THE DECADE'S FINALE

Happy New Year from THE SOUTHERN TEA. I've had a wonderful dinner out with The Husband and am catching up on some Internet before turning in. Just watched a very giddy Anderson Cooper fend off a riddle of questions from co-host Kathy Griffin where she apparently dropped the dreaded but exciting "F-Bomb" live on-air. Sorry to have missed that. I turned it on exactly at midnight N.Y.C. time. I did hear her ask about poppers and mentioned she needed a bump of blow, all in jest of course. She is 1 funny lady and he is 1 very sexy man. Glad to have caught some of the show and who doesn't love looking at the twinkle of lights in Times Square?! Love that city! It's been a great night and hope you do the same! Best wishes for 2010!!!

Tomorrow I turn 42!!!! Wow.

STEVEN SPILLS 56

STEVEN SPILLS © 56
MISTLETOE MEMORIES
Christmastime was always very exciting to me as a child. I admit I still love the twinkle of lights on trees, packages wrapped in bright foils, and bows tied with care and thought. When I remove my sight-assistants and look at our decorated tree my far-from-perfect eyesight transforms each tiny light into the size of gloriously colored tennis balls. A lifelong guilty pleasure, I suppose.

As a child, I never once questioned leaving Santa a bologna and cheese sandwich with a beer each Christmas eve instead of the traditional cookies and milk. It’s just what I did. I was born into Church of Christ so obviously we celebrated His birthday because let’s face it, “He is the reason for the season.” They sell that on shirts in the south, ya know! Ten years ago I happily married a Jewish man and he selflessly enjoys putting up a tree with me right next to his menorah every year. “Thanks, babe!” Everyone celebrates the holidays in unique ways.

The day mom told me that there was no Santa Claus I remember turning away from the television and replying, “Oh, OK.” Well, duh! If all of the other kids were also giving Santa beer then he would be too loopy to drive the sleigh that night. And, please… Rudolph’s red nose is too runny so he wouldn’t be any help at all! Vixen is all trash and Cupid is too busy playing matchmaker. Don’t even get me started on Blitzen!

I asked some of Palm Springs’ finest folk to share their favorite Christmas memories for my holiday column of 2009. Some traveled back giddily describing Santa’s arrival while others were a bit more adult recounting various acts of holiday passion. Memories are gifts and we should be happy we have them.

NICK WARNER, Psychologist, Pastor: “Experiencing my kids’ first Christmas. It was very joyful! Merry Christmas and happy holidays from Desert Oasis Chapel.”

ERIC MITCHELL, Self-diagnosed “Professional Freak”: “Experiencing thunder snow. It’s like a thunderstorm with snow instead of rain.”

JOHN LUSTENRING, Retired lawyer: “The time my younger brother gave me a dog that he had stolen from the neighbors which in turn our parents made him give back.”

BRETT KLEIN, Marketing: “Getting my first silicone toy wrapped with a batch of Christmas cookies.”

VINNIE ROTALO, Trainer, Bartender at Tropicale: “When I was 10 my family purchased an older limo. When we went shopping for our tree we carried an 8 ft. Douglas Fir home through the sunroof.”

MARK FARLEY, Owner of Elite Land Tours: “I got a 10” black and white television when I was 10 years old!”

CHRIS BATES, Trainer, Mr. Tool Shed Leather 2009-10: “Being woken on Christmas morning by my grandma and her excitingly saying, ‘Santa’s been here!'”

ERIC ORNELAS, Radio Host, Club DJ: “Receiving a toy boat with tickets for a gay cruise to the Caribbean stuffed inside.”

DANE LUNA, Bartender at Tool Shed: “My cousin coming home on Christmas after a heart and kidney transplant.”

DOMINICK LIBRETTI, Sales: “When I was 11 years old I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and saw my mom and dad playing with the toys that Santa was bringing us. That’s when I knew who Santa really was.”

STEPHEN BLACKWELL, Bartender at Club W: “I was with a (now ex) boyfriend on Christmas Eve and we listened to carols while he flogged and whipped me. Depending on how corny or cheery the songs were decided the intensity. Afterwards he cleaned me up, we had passionate sex, and curled up watching It’s a Wonderful Life.

MARK JONES, GM of Hamburger Mary’s: “Returning home to Cleveland for Christmas after a long 7 years in the military. I was never able to come home for the holidays and that first time back with my entire family there and my newborn nephew was truly special to me.”

JOHN McBAIN, C.E.O. of GEAR, PULP columnist: “The year I spent Christmas lying on the beach in Hawaii. No gifts, just friends and enjoying life.”

TROY SKINNER, Consultant for Design Within Reach, Cabaret singer extraordinaire: “Singing at the midnight service on Christmas Eve when I was 16 back in Colorado. It may sound corny, but it was home.”

Need a last minute gift idea? Grab your hosts’ modern pet a fierce new toy at Pawz in the corridor behind Koffi. Tell Mary that I sent ya! And who wouldn’t love some delicious treats from Café Chocolat? Grab a wrapped box to-go! I know I especially love those gift cards from Koffi. A very smart choice for someone who has it all!

HO-HO-HO, season’s greetings, and happy whatever-you’re-celebrating! And to the ones who don’t care about the holidays, “Bah-Humbug, Madame Grinch!”

HOLIDAY GATHERING

I just got home from Wang's in the Desert where I attended the company party for my husband's medical group. About 8 of us enjoyed (as always!) great food, rounds of laughter, and memories of days past. The holidays always bring good feelings around and this year is no exception. Family and friends have been very generous to us this Christmas and we are truly blessed. Wishing you all a safe and fulfilling holiday time and a prosperous and productive new year!

HAPPY 2010!!! MAKE IT GREAT.

IT'S NOT ALL FABULOUS

Every once in a while I try and bring awareness to subjects that may not be the norm here at The Southern TEA but are very serious in matter and need attention, nonetheless. I was asked by someone to take a look at information that was both disturbing and sad. It unfortunately wasn't cohesive with my current column for PULP but I felt my blog would be a better forum for this topic.

A recent California study found that LGBT inmates are 15 times greater to be sexually assaulted in prison. A sad statistic, but not surprising. But what can be done? A local church, the Metropolitan Community Church at 32150 Candlewood Dr., suite 1, Cathedral City, California, has been hosting an inmate art show to start an outreach program for LGBT inmates all month and it's ongoing.

Anyone interested in seeing the pieces of art or to make a donation to the cause, please contact Thomi @ (479) 420-6342 or thomas.clinton@hotmail.com. Please check out this link for further information about this harrowing subject: http://www.spr.org/ Just Detention International.

STEVEN SPILLS 55

STEVEN SPILLS © 55
TOPPING NINE
I knew this installment would be fun to write because it ranks some great moments of 2009 offering up my opinion for each, something I shamelessly love doing. My top choices may not be your picks but here’s a little something you surely know. In a world according to Steven Michael, the obvious isn’t always the outcome.

The hottest trends for the year were vampires, greed, and anything Apple. “When will Steve Jobs offer the colored iPhone,” I impatiently ask. I mention as an “Honorable Mention” (HM) the surprisingly accepted term “Bromance,” which I’ve found very titillating. Famous “Bromances” in history: Clooney & Pitt, Batman & Robin, and Bert & Ernie.

I’m a sucker for reality programming, however, understand much of it’s total crap and completely staged. Real Housewives of Atlanta topped our DVR for obvious reasons with Design Star and its sexy winner Antonio Ballatore pulling us in weekly to HGTV. The drama-free Top Chef repeatedly amazed us with culinary wizardry while making us very hungry in the process. HM: Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Brunette drama ensues.

The biggest revelation of the year came on Oprah when the divine Miss O announced her show was ending… in 2011. Worshipers wept. A close and very odd second is Mackenzie Philips telling of her and her father’s special relationship. Her heart belonged to daddy. And just recently a video clip floated to the surface of a stoned Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. Gentleman preferred blondes but Marilyn preferred green. HM: Tiger Woods. He cheated. He got caught publicly. Shocking. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time it had happened, nor the last.

Chelsea Handler makes me squeal and tops my funny people for 2009. Her cutting wit and deadpan humor kill me, and the fact she admits to laughing so hard she pees herself makes her one funny lady. Lily Tomlin continues to create laughter at 70 years going strong while Internet sensation Deven Green rounds out the funniest with her priceless (often removed for copyright infringement) YouTube clips of her Brenda Dickson parody and Betty Bowers “America’s Best Christian.” HM: Jo Koy from Chelsea Lately. He plays gay too good to be straight!

People ask me why I bother with Twitter and consider it aces in social networking. I do love Facebook, the yearbook you have complete control over. You decide who signs your wall and what imagery you want representing you. However, it also proves you can never run far from your past. Twitter allows me to grab news and headlines from sources I care about in real time without waiting for the media-at-large to work their twist later on. Plus, some of the things celebrities “tweet” about are quite entertaining. And finally the popular cruise application for the iPhone called Grindr with the GPS distance between you and your potential tricks splashed across your screen. Stalkers unite! HM: Texting. Does anyone verbalize sentences anymore?

This year propelled transsexualism into mainstream culture. Candis Cayne appeared on 2 primetime dramas including Nip/Tuck where she played a sex change from M2F, then became male again and finally a tranny by the end. She is America’s top tranny, for sure! Chaz Bono continues on his quest for normalcy in a man’s world while RuPaul begins another season of RuPaul’s Drag Race on Logo in February. Casting for season 3 begins in March. Let the lip-syncing for lives begin! HM: Tiffany McCray from Florida. One year… Miss Gay Days, Miss Renaissance, Miss Heart of America Continental Elite. You go sister!

Top gays of the year? Neil Patrick Harris for obvious reasons, Tim Gunn continually making it work on Project Runway, and Nine producer Rob Marshall. HM: Bruno. Silly and stereotypical, but I laughed my ass off. Lesbians who rocked it most? Crazy-ass Wanda Sykes, the recently out Meredith Baxter who’s been coming into World Gym for years with her Nancy, and Jane Lynch from Glee. HM: Someone’s Idol named Ellen. And the biggest comebacks of 2009? In this order, Whitney (crack was whack,) Mariah (simply Precious,) and Britney (leaving the Circus behind.) HM: Kelly Clarkson. Our life would suck without her.

Lady Gaga rocked our worlds year-round and continues on into 2010 with hits off The Fame Monster including “Teeth” and the fierce-on-fire “Bad Romance.” LOVE HER! She is my Entertainer of the Year, with glam-god Adam Lambert stirring America up at every turn and local hero Barry Manilow appearing everywhere it seems with a 2-year run at the Paris Hotel in Vegas starting this Spring. My honorable mentions are Barney and Britney, our dogs (the “kids”), who effortlessly entertain me and breathe life into us every single day of the year.

Happy Holidays!